You see that bit in the tagline on the blogheader where it says “odes to life?” I want to tell you about my pain and gain. A brand new aspect of me that I have been in doubt about sharing with you all. I need to though. A new layer to me, one might say that I have developed in 2014 – which has been my worst/most evolving year ever.
I have been really sick. I wrote a bit about it in my “meet Henriette” section of the blog. I don’t want my illness to define me more than it already has – and the reason for that is that it has meant life-altering changes in my life. Before the illness, I had a tendency to over-analyze people and turn my worklife into a living hell, because I was so insecure about myself. Ok and I didn’t like myself at all. The mental drag I was keeping in my head around people, clients not signing on anyway, clients pushing prices incredibly low etc. was so hard on me.
So I decided not to deal with it anymore, because it was a huge stress factor on me. I would lie awake in the middle of the night trying to figure out what to do. I wasn’t happy. I was miserable.
When the illness came into my life I was forced to look at everything that didn’t work and decide if it was something I would keep, or something I would change for the better so it would fit the “new” me. The one that’s here now. I changed everything from business, friends, stuff in the house, who I saw, how I spend my time, how much I read and paint and write – important stuff. And I found something in all of these changes. I found a woman in my mirror that I adored. That wasn’t scared of dying, because she had done the best she could and she was pretty bad-ass.
At that point when I started to change things around and looked at them differently, that was when the ultimate low hit me. Even though I was convinced I was going to get through this, the doctors at the first hospital started to doubt it. They didn’t say it directly to me, but after half a year on really heavy drugs – nothing had changed – my lungs wheren’t getting better and everyday was a challenge. Picture yourself not being able to walk up a flight of stairs without being completely out of breath. Picture yourself not being able to do any kind of activities and actually making a cup of coffee for yourself would be the victory of the day. That was me around 8 months ago.
Right after they (didn’t) tell me that they didn’t know how to deal with this decide I had a weekend from hell. Where I started to say goodbye to everything. Where I actually looked at my husband and daugther and thought “I think you will be ok, but I will miss you so dearly”. I looked at all the stuff I loved in my life and started to align myself with the thought that I might not get through this. That was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. If I should choose the darkest hour of my darkest year of the soul, it would be me sitting on a chair in the summer sun seeing my husband working in the garden and thinking “I love you – and I am going to miss you SO much – and take care of everything when I am gone”.
A couple of days later, I started as a specialist patient at Denmarks leading doctor in his field – which included this incredibly rare lung thingy that had decided to recide in me for the time being. He started to give me some other drugs and I slowly got better. Things started to change. One of the things that I visioned the most at this time was to be able to bike again. a couple of weeks later I biked again. I got life, but with a changed core. Mostly because everything had been up for review. It was like I took my whole life, the people in it, how it was set-up, where I was living, how I was spending my time – the works – wrote about all the things I loved and hated about it all and decided whether or not it was going to stay with me or I needed to toss it. But at the bottom of all of this pain and change was a thing that I told my rockin spiritual advisor Mariakaisa Bruun at the beginning of this when she asked me how I was feeling about it all. I told her that I knew I was going to get through this. Because a part of me just knew. I call it faith. I didn’t give up or gave in and I just took one day at the time.
Now? Life is a complete joy to me. I do stuff I care about. I do stuff I love. like writing and connecting with people. Creative things.
I am so looking forward to go skydiving for my 100th birthday. And the party I will have when I am off the drugs. And the books I will write. And the startups and brands I will advice on brand design and PR. And being a style icon always. All is good and well and I am so happy just to be here. When that is the output of everything – life changes. It’s not so complicated and you don’t fuzz around people or unimportant stuff.
Keep on rockin in a free world rockers !